I started maternity leave 18 days ago. To be fair, I don’t think I could have comfortably worked any longer, there were a lot of tears in those final few weeks. I was in agony every day and I longed for a guilt free day on the sofa so I could nap, snack and generally just succumb to my fate as a giant potato for the final few weeks of pregnancy.
Yet here we are, almost 3 weeks later and I’m still pregnant, now resembling an Emperor Penguin with a much more dramatic waddle. I was totally convinced this baby would be early but then I was also totally convinced he was a she so naturally I’m wandering if I’m actually going to be the first woman to ever just be pregnant forever. My due date is still days away and I’m already feeling melodramatic about how long I could still be pregnant for. The curse of the over thinker.
Anyway, in a bid to break up the tedious cycle of daytime television, I have dragged myself to my local coffee shop for a croissant and a hot chocolate and I thought I would share a day in my life right now. At the very least, it’ll make me green with envy when I look back on this uninterrupted adult only bliss when our colicky 12 week old baby refuses to sleep for a week and DG (AKA Hubs) and I haven’t showered in 3 days.
A Day of Maternity Leave BB : Before Baby
- Weeks pregnant = Feels like 1378 (Actually 39)
- Time since Out of Office switched on = 20 days
- Episodes of ‘Come Dine With Me’ watched = 432
- Coffee & Cake Dates with other pregnant ladies = 3
- Naps = 17
- Google searches ‘Am I in Labour Quiz’ = 50
DG’s alarm goes off for work. 6am means I’ve probably had an uninterrupted 90 minutes of sleep since I last rolled out of bed to go for the smallest wee in the world and labour hasn’t miraculously started overnight. Disappointment at the realisation of this fact varies daily on a scale of 1-10. Today it’s a 5 which is much more promising than yesterdays 9. Celebrating with mini shredded wheat and a cup of tea in bed.
DG has gone to work and won’t return for 10 hours. 10 hours! My ‘To Do List’ is scraping the barrel of jobs that I can manage but don’t really need doing so I’m going to need to get inventive so as not to lose my mind. I know, I know. I should be RELAXING and ENJOYING THE PEACE WHILE I CAN. I get told this repeatedly and I do not doubt that I will look back on this time and beg for a lazy day with nothing to do but watch back to back CDWM and eat cake. However, I kind of signed up to this ‘Let’s have a baby’ thing with my eyes wide open, fully aware of the minimal sleep, tough days, sick, poo and pee that will cover every surface and item of clothing I own in a matter of minutes of us returning home with our bundle of joy. I’m totally ready for it. I’m 35 years old, I’ve been pleasing myself for about 20 years and I’m a do-er. I’m not a lounger. Plus I’ve basically been pregnant all bloody year and I’d really like a glass of wine now please?
Text from friend reminding me my due date is this week. Well thank fuck for Karen, can you imagine if she hadn’t reminded me I’m due to have a baby any second. I might have missed it! Note : Karen has never had a baby so clearly does not know how badly I want to punch her in the head for being such a twat. In fact most people that have never had a baby seem to say stupid things constantly around about now. I’ve been forced to cut them off for fear of actually causing them harm when they suggest I have a hot curry or ask if I’ve tried some mental labour inducing myth they once heard from their grandma who swore she had all her 18 babies in 3 hours start to finish 2 weeks early.
Interestingly even people who have had babies themselves, and the partners of, still delight in saying stupid unhelpful shit. The percentage of people I don’t want to poke in the eye with something sharp right about now is pretty low. Maybe 5%? Sensible, been there and totally get it people say nice things like ‘I won’t ask how you’re feeling but do you want some cake?’ or ‘You look lovely, really glowing – do you want some cake?’ and the best ones don’t even ask, they just hand you cake. These people know. These are my people.
Overly excited to find I had something to take to the post office AND a missing dinner ingredient so popped (waddled) off to my local high street to conquer said tasks. I can totally see why pensioners do a little bit of shopping everyday because honestly if I didn’t have an excuse to get out of the house I would lose my freaking mind from boredom. There’s only so much housework you can do and in my current potato state I can’t even bloody well put the vacuum round without giving my PGP/SPD/Hips/Back/Pelvis something to complain about so DG is in charge of all vacuuming, tall jobs, closing the bedroom window (can’t get round his side of the bed anymore), shopping carrying and of course pushing me off the sofa so I can get up to pee every 15 minutes during our post dinner movie.
Come Dine With Me really is a marvelous show. 5 episodes back to back and it’ll almost be time for DG to come home! I think I would do brilliantly on CDWM, if I do say so myself. Although my tolerance for people is generally quite low even when I’m not pregnant so I’d probably lose anyway even if I served Michelin starred nosh. Today’s lunch is a cheese salad wrap, big pot Petit Filous, random chocolate cookie left over from the weekend and token apple… for the baby of course (not michelin starred nosh). Normally I would enthusiastically share my lunch on Insta stories because sandwiches are life but since I’ve ditched social media until baby arrives I’ve sent a pic to DG instead. He gets me. He sends me one back of his Starbucks coffee. Marriage is awesome.
Popped on Linked In to see what’s happening in the corporate world. Big mistake. While the world is busy cracking on with being busy and important, all I’ve managed to achieve today is to curb a craving for beef wellington after seeing Jan from South Wales cook up a beaut version on CDWM. Remembering you’ve worked your proverbial balls off to get to where you are work wise and to then take months and months away from that environment with no control, no input and no idea what you’ll go back to in 6 months, a year or whatever is bloody scary. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t be more excited that we are able to have a family and that I have the luxury of a job that I like, pays well and I get to keep even after taking months out. But the unknown is pretty scary. I’ve never taken such a huge chunk of time off work and I’m not even considering taking my full quota! Anyway, will avoid checking in to Linked In over the next few weeks, I don’t need those kinds of conflicting emotions when I’m sleep deprived, wondering if I’ll have to buy a whole new work wardrobe just to contain my now enormous jugs and fretting about leaving my baby with strangers when I do go back to work.
DG is home! Hurrah! The major perk here is that he can pick up all the random stuff I’ve dropped on the floor and can’t quite pick up. He is also in charge of putting my socks on when it gets a bit chilly in the evenings and then of course taking them off again an hour later when I realise my ankles have swollen up so much that I’m sure my feet are turning blue from lack of oxygenated blood. It’s fun hanging out with a potato. Right, we can still catch The Chase on plus 1 and spend an hour pretending we are clever folk who know the answers to questions about the periodic table.
Managed a pre-dinner waddle round the block, partly to get some fresh air, partly to try and get this baby moving. I’ve never been so slow in my whole life though so we manage about 1km but it takes about a year and a half. Then home for dinner and the daily debate about ‘what to watch’…. I think we’ve watched 26 movies in the last couple of weeks, a few freaking awful ones and some pretty good ones but honestly the decision making process is my least favourite part. We’ve got the whole Sky package (box sets the lot), Netflix, Amazon Prime plus 400 DVDs and I still just want to watch Harry Potter back to back. Unfortunately DG isn’t so keen so we try and mix it up a bit. I’ll save HP for when he’s at work. I actually watched the classic 90’s hit Jumanji the other day and it did not disappoint!
Yep, this is the latest I can stay up. DG dutifully comes to bed with me because I sleep better when he is there. He’ll watch something on TV while I nod off. Hilariously getting up at least twice to go to the loo before he’s even considered going to sleep. Frustratingly lying down isn’t the most comfortable position to be in at this stage but neither is sitting, standing, kneeling or anything else for that matter. The weight of this giant baby is so hefty that when I do get up for those annoying toilet breaks, you can actually see the imprint of whatever I’ve been lying on all over me. Even after a short time. Pregnancy is SWELL…… d’ya see what I did there?
I think my record number of nocturnal wees is 9. At some point I’ll get a solid 2-3 hours sleep before being woken up either by aforementioned giant baby who has decide to move into an ‘under the ribs kind of position’ which bloody hurts or my bladder protesting at said babies head leaving little room for anymore pee. And that also hurts. Waking up at 2am hoping to be in pain because you’re in labour and not just desperate for a wee is a strange want but honestly I’m so ready for the birth bit I’m genuinely excited for it all the kick off!
On the plus side, I can safely say that this baby is going to come out sooner rather than later. I just need to muster up every ounce of patience (that I definitely do not have) until he decides he’s ready. Here’s hoping tomorrow mornings disappointment factor is lower than a 7.
Mrs G x